Twin flame

This post has nothing to do with me, Trooper, or a breakup. How's that for a change?

Engineer still has a girlfriend, but that didn't stop another woman from striking up a conversation with him when a bunch of us were out not too long ago. He was just being friendly; she took it to a whole other level.

So over the weekend, he told her that he wasn't interested. He did this via text - which, you'd think, would be enough to send her running. Not this girl - she said she understood he needed time, and she's perfectly happy to give that to him, because she knows he'll be back. What makes her so sure?

Because she believes Engineer is her "twin flame."

I beg your pardon?


In case you don't feel like reading that whole thing, let me sum it up for you. Your twin flame is like a soul mate. The idea is that you were once one soul, and at some point, you split and have been reincarnated as separate souls over and over, waiting until your souls are ready to reunite. Ideally, you'll reunite in what will be each of your last earthly lives, so you can ascend together. (For the record, I'm not sure exactly where you're ascending, since I thought people who believed in reincarnation didn't believe in the other thing. But that's what it says.)

A twin flame is a very spiritual, karmic relationship. The connection would be deeper than any other relationship you'd ever had. Signs that you have met your twin flame include an overwhelming sense of love and attraction, finding yourselves in complete synchronicity (calling at the same time, buying each other the same gifts), feeling so close that you almost feel related, and the ability to contact each other through meditation.

I very nearly choked on my Memorial Day hot dog, I was laughing so hard.


Engineer has known this lovely lady for about a week, and she's already certain he is her twin flame - even though, as far as I can tell, none of those signs has appeared. He says she feels they must be connected because they have similar interests.

"What interests?" I asked. His answer? Music.

Wait - what?! You can't infer a deep, meaningful connection based on the fact that you both like music! Everyone likes music, for crying out loud!


Engineer is my friend; he means a lot to me, and has been more than good to me through my whole breakup, depression thing. I want him to be happy; and I want him to have someone who is kind, and loving, who appreciates him and brings good to his life. He deserves at least that much from a relationship.

Given my options, at this point, I think I'd prefer the girl who doesn't want to approve his facebook request.

The worst part of a lie

The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you can't trust anything that person had to say.

I'm not saying Trooper ever lied to me; he didn't. But sometimes, a breakup  feels like a lie. Or, maybe more accurately, the breakup makes it seem as though parts of the relationship might have been a lie - or, at least, not as sincere as you were once led to believe.

Is it just me? Or does a breakup feel like anytime the person said he was happy, he couldn't have meant it? Because, if he felt that way - then where did those feelings go? Nothing changed - so why did the feelings just vanish?

I struggle a lot with that question. I remember Big taking great exception to the fact that I said he led me on, because he let me believe he had feelings for me, when he really didn't. He said I was making it into an all or nothing scenario - like his feelings had to be of a certain intensity, or they didn't exist at all.

That's not really what I meant. But I guess I do believe that you should never imply (or, you know, flat out say) that you feel a specific way unless you're certain that you do. Because some people (OK, me) might trust your words or actions. They might come to count on it. They might even make decisions based on what they believe you feel.

Then when you decide that no, it wasn't really there after all - it hurts just that much more. Which just may be the worst part of the lie.

It's me, not you

"Before you're ready to date, you need to be in a place where, if the person leaves, you won't care."

That was some advice a friend offered not too long ago. At first, it sounds weird. I mean - if you don't care if a person leaves, then what's the point in dating him in the first place?

But I get what my friend was saying: Get to a place where you're okay with yourself, and being alone. Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness, for your security, for your self-esteem. You need to be in a position to keep those things in tact, should you suddenly find yourself without a significant other.

I agree. I gotta say - I thought I was there before I started dating Trooper. Maybe I was; I was certainly in a much better place than I'd ever been. The more I think about it, the more I wonder - can we ever really be in that place?

Rejection, no matter the circumstances, attacks your self-esteem. Personally, my own self-esteem finds no greater challenge than when someone says, "You're just not good enough" - even if that's not really what he's saying. Rejection feels like a hit to every good thing you once thought about yourself.

If the relationship made you feel good; if it was healthy, and you were happy, and you came to believe you could trust that person's feelings - you'll start to doubt yourself when those feelings are gone.

"Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not good enough?"
"Why didn't I see this coming? Why am I so stupid?"
"Do I not deserve to be happy?"
"How will anyone else ever feel that way about me - or make me feel that way about myself?"

I think it's natural to have these feelings (though some of us probably struggle with self-doubt more than others). No matter how much you know the issue is his, not yours; no matter how many people tell you that it's his loss; no matter what compliments your friends shower on you.

You still feel like it's all about you - not him.

One day at a time

"The great thing about the future is it comes one day at a time." Abraham Lincoln

Memorial Day weekend started out incredibly rough. The days leading up to the holiday, it seemed everywhere I went, I was reminded that the rest of the world, it seems, has someone special - and I am alone.

I cried to my cousin, saying how stupid I felt for feeling this way. She assured me that I'm not stupid. She pointed out that I was looking forward to a wonderful summer with Trooper, for which we'd already started making plans. This weekend should have been the start of something fabulous - and instead, I spent it alone, cat-sitting for a friend. 

Sigh.

I keep asking myself - when does this go away? When do things stop reminding me of what was, or what (I think) should have been? I find myself reminded of him in the strangest places....like, at work, I'll come across an old email and think, "On that date, I was still with Trooper." 

Those kind of thoughts are tough to get past. I dread when the fall comes, and each event or special date reminds me of him. Like, on Thanksgiving, everyone else will be thinking about turkey and family and parades....and I'll be thinking, "Last year, I woke up at Trooper's." 

I guess the trick is to not dwell in the past, or worry about the future. I need to concentrate on what is going on today, in this moment. A friend told me when it comes to grief, all you can do is take things one day at a time; and if that gets too overwhelming, you take things a moment at a time. 

Some days, that's the best I can do.

Breakup stage - acceptance

I'd love to get to this stage. I (literally) pray everyday that I'll eventually reach a point where I accept my part in the breakup and start to learn from the relationship.

In this case - I'm not sure I'll ever know what I did (if anything) to cause this breakup. It's not like there was a third party or some huge fight. It just wasn't working out, and had a lot more to do with Trooper than it did with me.

So maybe for me, acceptance is going to be acknowledging that the issue was his, not mine, and finding a way to be okay with that.

There will be lessons, and things he brought to my life. Thanks to Trooper, I started going to church, and found that I really enjoyed, and found comfort in, the message. A couple people have suggested that maybe that was one of the reasons behind the relationship - that I needed someone to bring me closer to God, so Trooper came into my life to serve that purpose.

I've given that some thought. I think it's possible. Truthfully, it still makes me a little angry. I mean - it seems to me the lesson could have been taught in a slightly less painful way. Sheesh.

Another friend reminded me that it's not all about me; I left "footprints in his life" too. Maybe that was the purpose - for me to bring something to his life.

I'm not sure - and like I said, part of the healing for me has been to give some of this over to God, and part of that is accepting that I might never know. Maybe I'm not even meant to know.

I'm meant to accept, and learn, and heal, and move on. And that's the plan.

Breakup stage - depression

This is the stage that seems to last the longest (for me, anyway). It's also a stage I've revisited several times. I expect that will continue to be the case, for a while.

It's normal to be sad. I struggled with that idea, thinking I should have been more prepared, or more accepting, or just...better at the breakup. I thought I was way too sad. It got to the point where I actually scared myself. I wasn't eating, or sleeping. I missed work. It took every ounce of energy just to move from my bed to the sofa.

That went on for a little less than a week, before I just decided it was going to be done.

I forced myself up, and out of the house - even if I didn't want to go anywhere. I dragged myself into the closet and looked for clothes and shoes and accessories, because I knew it would start to make me feel more like me.

I know I keep repeating myself - but my friends were heaven-sent during this time. Angels, I swear, every one of them. They texted me several times a day to make sure I was okay, stopped by my house, took me to lunch. X even dragged me to a movie, knowing I just needed to get up and out of the house. They gave me some much needed advice, and even let me come crash at their house when I didn't want to be alone.

They literally saved my life. 


Depression is a normal stage of grief, but for some people (like me), it's also something to deal with on a daily basis. Even my counselor admitted that my reaction was a little extreme - though he gives me credit for doing what I needed to get myself back on track.

If you suffer a loss, expect to be sad. Tell yourself it's okay to hurt, or to cry, or to just want to be alone. Let yourself off the hook if you don't handle everything in stride.

But keep an eye on your mood. Like the other stages, depression should be temporary. Somewhere, deep inside, you should realize that this too shall pass. You should see a light at the end of the tunnel. If you don't - you need help.

Don't ever be afraid to ask.

Breakup stage - bargaining

This is the absolute worst. Apparently, it's also the stage I'm best at. Shocking.

Apparently, this is the stage where you tell yourself that you'll just stay friends, or you'll try to restore the relationship with some difference.

"I promise not to....anymore."

"I'll never say....again."

I did it. I asked if we could try and work things out. Honestly - I did it with Big, too. I also did it with X, though to be fair, we were married. Trying to fix a marriage is a little different. You actually make vows and promises that you'll try to fix that relationship before letting it end.

I'm going to be completely honest (and here's where the whole "I'm no expert" thing comes in to play....). I don't believe this is always a bad thing.

I don't believe you should compromise who you are or what you believe to make a relationship work. (I've done that, too; trust me, it doesn't work.)

But I do think that love is important - and hard to find. Call me sappy or hopeless or weak if you want, but I believe in love, and I think it deserves a chance. It is so hard to find someone with whom you connect, and who makes you laugh and smile, and who really helps you be a better person. If you're lucky enough to find that, I think walking away without a fight is just...well....stupid.

So, if issues or concerns are raised, and it's something you can address, I think you should try. I don't think there's any harm in that.

Where I guess you need to be careful is holding on to those feelings too long. If you offer that you want to work on things, even say where you'd be willing to compromise - you've done your part. You can't keep pushing someone. He (or she) either wants to fix things, or he doesn't.

And the truth is, if he doesn't, he's not the right person for you. Because no matter how much you love someone, you need to love yourself more. You need to realize that you're worth fighting for - and the right person for you will feel the same.

Livestrong also cautions against trying to maintain a friendship. The romantic feelings won't just go away because the romance ends. Keeping up a friendship will just cause you to hold onto feelings that you really need to let go.

I'm a huge believer that exes can be friends. That's pretty obvious, considering my ex-husband is one of the friends who has dragged me through this process. But like any other friendship, one with an ex takes time to develop. You can't just wake up one morning in love with someone, and be "just friends" by dinner.

If you think you can, you're kidding yourself.

If he's really a friend - and if the two of you are meant to have that bond - it'll happen over time. When you're both ready.